Adopting an older child comes with so many benefits, but it also comes with past memories-memories of a life you took away. A five year old does not have a real clear understanding of the big picture of life. I have had more conversations with Ella about "forever families" than I have had reading her books. Some days, I spend the whole day telling Ella that we are not taking her back to China or to live with a new mommy or daddy. Some nights, she still wakes up screaming. How I want her to understand she is home. I know this will come with time, but it breaks my heart and exhausts me emotionally.
All the while, I have been trying to finish up a few college classes. I went to college for three years before I got married so I have been on a quest to finish. Some months, it is not a quest, but an obsession...I get so wrapped up in just finishing that I loose site of other things going on around me. I have decided that going to college as a mom is like trying to win the lottery-nearly impossible. It takes me one year to finish two classes online. I finally decided that I would go back into the classroom this fall and finish up with an education degree. But, I think all day kindergarten is probably on the chopping block due to state budget cuts, so Ella will be home at half day. No way I can go full time to school. I have to remind myself that it is not my time to finish this goal-being a mom is my number one priority. So, here's to starting back to school full time in the fall of 2010...or 2011...2012.
Life is rather cluttered-you just muddle through and try to put a smile on your face, be positive and find joy around you. I have so many blessings-Life is Good!